Dear Doug

Just a few lines to let you know that I'm still alive.  I am writing this slow cause I know you can’t read very fast.

You wont know the house when you come home 'cause we've moved'. 

We're having a new TV set on Monday; the programmes on this one are really old. 

Dad bought a lovely personal stereo for himself then found out he's deaf in one ear.

Your father's started his new job,  he has 500 men under him, he cuts the grass at the cemetery.  Your Brother had a job as a level crossing attendant but he got the sack for leaving one of the gates open,  he said he was half expecting a train.  Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but we dont know if it's a boy or a girl so we don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.  We tried to book her into St Patrick’s Maternity hospital but there’s a 12 month waiting list.  

Your auntie Jean wants to be a straight actress and she's got a pretty good chance, her vital statistics are 32-32-32. 

I was going to cook spaghetti for dinner tonight but the saucepans not long enough.

I went to the doctors on Thursday and your father came with me. 

The doctor put a thermometer in my mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes - your father wanted to buy it off him. The doctor asked me if I was indecisive but I wasn't sure.

The next day I had to go to the dentists on my own, the first thing he asked was how's the mouth I told him that I'd left him in bed.

Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of Irish whiskey at the Dublin brewery, some of his work mates tried to save him but he fought them off.   They cremated him and it took 3 days to put the fire out.

I’ve just found out that Dublin is the biggest city for its size in Ireland.

Someone asked me the other day if Id seen the dead sea,  I didn’t even know it was sick.

It's only rained twice this week,  The first time for 3 days then for 4 days.  

Your uncle Bob was so depressed he decided to take an overdose of aspirin.  However after the first two tablets he felt much better.

Your granddad’s not been very well lately. The first thing he does in the morning is read the newspaper in bed, if he's not in the obituary he gets up.   He went to the doctors last week, and was told to jump on the couch when he asked why the Doctor said “cause I want to Vacuum the floor”, and when he came back home he said the doctor was no good, cause all of his patients were sick.  The doctor told him to take a hot glass of orange after a hot bath, he's still drinking the hot bath. The doctor said he suffers from alcoholic constipation, that mean's he can't pass a pub. Last week he thought he had a hole in his heart, but it turned out to be a polo mint in his pyjama pocket.

Your Sisters learnt how to use the new washing machine but she said it's broke cause every time she puts some washing in it and pulls the chain the washing disappears.

Your dad wants to buy me a dog, but it's got to be a black and white one he said the  licence's are cheaper.

Your Dad met the landlord up the bookies this morning, and was asked about last week's rent, Dad told him not to worry about last weeks rent and start preying for this week's rent, cause it was running in the third race at Cheltenham.

We've had a new bathroom fitted. On one side of the room is a long thing like what the horses drink out of up the farm.  Over in the corner is another contraption. You put one foot in and wash it clean, then pull the chain and get fresh water for the other foot.  Two covers came with it, but we had no use for them in the bathroom, so were using one as a breadboard and the other has a hole in it, so we framed granddads picture with it.

Your loving Mother.
P.S. I was going to send you £20.00 but I've already sealed the envelope.

Dr Douglas O'Boogie Mustard Band